The Great Reset: A Journey from Fear to Resilience

For most of my life, I felt like I was swimming in circles, never really getting anywhere, trying to justify my existence and struggling to come to terms with my past. As a result, I’ve found myself going down a rabbit hole, getting lost in a warren and crawling through tunnel after tunnel only to reach another dead end with no conclusion. I thought trauma had broken me, but what I didn’t realise, is that there was reason and meaning. To accept there was a far greater force at play, a test of strength and resolve that would serve me so well in the future, was far greater than anything I could have imagined.

I used to find comfort in darkness, believing there was no end to the torment. My past spectres joining hands with the present, which inevitably pulled me into a tangled world of my own making. At times I’ve walked through life with my head low, scared of the outside world, paranoid of faces looming with threat and malice. Some days, it was a struggle to even leave the house. My trust in people was fragile.

In my youth I faced bullies – people I can now see were suffering themselves in one form or another. I believe they shaped me, left their mark, until I felt like a screwed-up piece of newspaper, printed with their worst words. Every time I thought I’d escaped the clutches of depression, it pulled me back in, and I was so easily consumed.

Sometimes, the universe or fate, presents a door to walk through and if you’re brave enough to step over the threshold, everything changes. It’s taken me a long while to trust in my intuition. So many times, my gut sent warning signals – don’t take that path, don’t trust this person, rethink that decision – and I would ignore it. Later, I’d come to regret it. Only when I started listening, did things shift. For example, when I found myself on my own right at the beginning of my first trip to India, I could have turned around and flown back to England, but instead I took what seemed the scariest path and ventured beyond what I thought I was capable of. I took the bravery pill and climbed aboard the bus, because in my heart, I just knew it was the right thing to do.

In 2021, I was desperate to break free from a stagnated life. I decided to do something outside of the box at the time. Stepping out of my comfort zone, I took up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I remember walking into a building filled with younger, stronger and more confident people. I hesitantly walked onto the mats thinking to myself, what the hell am I doing here? I’m forty-nine, unfit, overweight, and I’m about to throw myself headfirst into the lion’s den. And yes, to an extent, that’s exactly what I did. My trial week was a disaster – I was crushed, twisted into knots and spat out the other end. I hung back for a few weeks, thinking, I don’t need this; I should be taking it easy in life; having a pizza and finding security in my sofa, accepting that this was where I needed to be. But instead, I said no. I hated the thought of fear ruling me, and at least if I gave it another go with as much conviction as I could, I would have no regrets for trying.

To this day, I still step onto the mats wondering, ‘What am I doing here?’. There are so many people that excel more than I do. They seem to get what the instructor is teaching so much quicker. But, as my wife says, the voice of wisdom as she always is, ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ And I realise that every day, I’m a better version of myself, so much stronger than the year before, and the only competition is yesterday’s version of me.

Martial arts taught me two things:

1. I will always make mistakes.

2. I can always try again.

What creates my everyday increasing inner strength is I reset and start again. As a result, I believe I have been brought into a family that will always want what’s best for me and be glad I am part of their fold. My instructors and teammates are as much part of my journey as I am theirs. It’s all about consistency: to be better, I attend. To be physically strong, I work hard in the gym. To be fitter, I work on my cardio daily. And every time I stare into the mirror, I see the slow but undeniable evolution of a stronger, braver self.

I still stumble. I still fail. But when I rise to the various challenges life throws at me, trust in my intuition that I’m doing the right thing, bit by bit, and day by day, I become emotionally more resilient, confident and proud of the person I am. That’s the great reset. I have an ethos for the continuing journey of my life: wake up, get up and embark on a new day with the intention to do my very best and resist the pull of regret. Each day is a new start, a recreation of self, and although it sometimes seems impossible to escape past errors and tackle the immense hurdles ahead, there is always tomorrow and that’s worth showing up for.

---